Red Light Contemplations

J.D. Salinger

2010-01-29T01:38:00.001-08:00

J.D. Salinger died on Wednesday. He was 91 years old and living in seclusion. Salinger was one of my many heroes. He was somehow able to write the one novel that captured the workings of the teenage mind. He produced a piece of art that portrayed our souls. Some would disagree. Their opinions in this case, however, don't matter because those are the people who had happy teenage years. J.D. Salinger showed the world what goes on in the mind of your typical dark and twisty angry teenager. This is incredibly important because the typical dark and twisty angry teenager knows not how to express him or herself which is usually why they are dark and twisty and angry in the first place. Yes, J.D. Salinger did the impossible, and now he is dead. And he never had a chance to sign my copy of his book.
This is not the only reason he is one of my many heroes. Not only did he write the impossible novel, he refused to sell out. He could have gone off and made his book into a movie and made bank off of it, he had plenty of offers. But he didn't. Because he understood that selling out would ruin the integrity of the book and insult the integrity of literature itself. We do not write novels in order to turn a profit (although we hope for the best) we simply write novels in order to inspire someone, to get a message or deeper meaning across, to express what others cannot. So thank you J.D. Salinger for showing the world what it means to be a writer. You will be missed.

Whoa! Long Time No... Blog?

2009-12-30T23:40:00.000-08:00

Well lets see... I think it has been almost a year now since I've written anything. I try to every once in a while, but every time I pull up the page my mind draws a blank. So much happens in a year though, I should have something to say right? So, where to begin? I suppose where I left off is as good a place as any. Obviously, January was pretty rough. February was fantastic though. My very first real Valentines Day. Derry took me out to a very fancy dinner and to a movie and then we had awesome dessert from Sweet Life. I can't remember what movie we saw. I'm pretty sure it was lame though, because I can't remember the last time he and I saw a movie that we liked. We're pretty hard to please when it comes to movies, as it turns out. Seriously, did anyone see that Boondock Saints sequel? I was so angry! They completely ruined it.

Honestly I don't remember the exact order or in what months anything else happened so I'll just start from the first thing I remember. I went up to Washington at some point because Derry's sister had a swim meet. It was pretty cool. I got to see a bunch of Olympic records broken. One of Derry's cousins broke some sort of record. I can't remember which one, but it was very exciting at the time. Some time after that I got the pin taken out of my toe. It hurt pretty bad, but not as bad as I thought it would. And I guess it wasn't so much a pin as a screw. It was huge!! And really thick! I don't know how they got it in there in the first place and I try not to think about it because man, it was gross. Derry got it on video. It took me a while to walk like a normal person again. Walking down the stairs was the worst for some reason. But eventually I figured it out again. I went back to work immediately. Oh and I was sort of promoted. I trained a couple of host classes. Ooooh my birthday was nice. Another fancy dinner. We dressed up all cute too. I got a bunch of gift cards for Borders. Then Derry's birthday. That was really awesome! I surprised him with a limo for him and his friends, and me of course. We had so much fun. His mom's birthday was really fun too. She had a huge party at her house. A while after that, I quit working at the Olive Garden. I had a lot of reasons for that, its kind of a long story. Basically I was feeling intensely under appreciated there. Oh! I almost forgot. In August, we went to a Jack's Mannequin concert. It was amazing! I had the best time! Anyway, now I just work at Mekala's. It can be a little bit of a drain sometimes, but the money is good. Derry and I celebrated our one year anniversary a few months ago. That was very exciting. I had no idea it had been so long already. Time flies I guess. Oh and Derry convinced me to start going to the gym. Don't ask me how he did it.

For Thanksgiving, my sister and Tim and the baby came to visit for a few days. I cooked most of the dinner. I hadn't planned on it but it turned out great. Mom and Maylee helped of course. It is always nice to see my sister. We don't talk nearly enough anymore. My fault I'm sure. Gavin is getting so big. And he is just so smart. Christmas was nice too. Although somewhat bittersweet for me because Derry was and still is in Mexico. He won't be back for a couple more weeks. It is really strange to go from seeing someone almost every day to not at all. To go over a month without your better half is not easy. It has been a strange few weeks. My sister and the family came to visit again for Christmas. They have been a nice distraction for me. I tend to start sounding like her after we've been around each other for a while. Tim had to go back home a few days ago but Maylee and Gavin are still here. It is really fun to be around that baby at this age. He is just learning new things everyday. They're going home in a few days though. My mom usually take that the hardest. Her and Gavin just connect to each other so well. After they leave I'm excited to say that I'll be going back to school! Classes start January 4th. I can hardly wait! I've been waiting for this for a very long time. Oh and I bought a purse. I know that doesn't sound very exciting, but it was sort of a big deal at the time. That is really all I can think of right now. I think I hit all the high points. I'm doing great though. Other than missing Derry that is.

Staring At The Ceiling

2008-12-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

My last entry was rather boring. I was reading over all of my blogs (on Myspace as well) and it dawned on me that I haven't had an interesting or unique thought to blog about in a very long time. Every once in a while I'll think of something that gets me going but lately all of my thoughts have been so... boring. They generally consist of "What should I have for dinner tonight?" or "I can't remember what time I work tomorrow" or "Which bills are due this week?" or the somewhat frequent "I hate old people". So now I'm finding myself sitting around trying to think up something good to talk about. But I should know better than that shouldn't I? Because the great thoughts come when you least expect them to. While you're driving home from work or sitting in a crowded movie theater. Random. You can't force these things. In that case I guess I should try to forget that I'm trying to come up with something to write about, right? Is that even possible? Because now it's all I can think about. Which means it will never come to me. Because if I purposefully try to distract myself from thinking about this, aren't I thinking about it? I could go around in circles all day long. The point here is that I've run out of things to say. My hands are itching to write something spectacular though. I can feel it. Every single time I pick up a pen it's like torture because I have nothing to write. There are no thoughts overflowing onto the paper, just numbers and names (because I'm usually at work when I'm holding a pen). How sad. Maybe I need something new and exciting to happen in my life. As if my nephew being born isn't enough right? I love that kid, but he doesn't spark any kind of great ideas in my head. Oh well. I guess we'll see what happens. I can feel something about to happen though. The last few months have been so boring and uneventful, almost like we're on the verge of something huge. Just wait. It'll come.

Feeling Contemplative...

2008-12-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what I want to write about tonight. I just know I haven't written anything in a while and I thought it was time for an update, so let's see where this takes us shall we? Let me see here... I came back to Eugene in May so that would make this my 7th month being home I believe. I think I've settled in quite nicely now. I moved out of my mom and dad's house about 2 months ago. I love living on my own. It was scary at first but it is nice to come home to a quiet apartment and just relax after work. Speaking of which, work has been super stressful lately. But I have to say that even though work stresses me out and my parents drive me crazy, I've still never been quite so happy. I can't really explain it. I miss my friends and my family, my sister and my nephew and my brother-in-law, but I feel like for once in my life I'm actually living MY LIFE. I feel like I could do anything. I'm not sure what they call this feeling. Happy just doesn't cut it.

Dead End.

2008-09-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been updating at all lately. I think about it every day but I can't come up with anything to write about. Every time I think I've come up with something, I think about it more and it just bores me. Sorry everyone. It has just been the same old thing lately though. Work, work, work. I think the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is that today I found a place that sells the best mango smoothies I've ever had. I might just go there every day. Other than that it has been pretty boring around here.

But If You Left It Up To Me...

2008-08-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

I work every day of the week. The closest I get to a day off is a couple of hours. As you can imagine it gets pretty exhausting. So, you can see how I wouldn't have very many good days or days with nothing to complain about. I'm the first to admit that I do nothing but complain about work and co-workers and such, but I have to say that I've been doing a lot less of that since I got home from school this year. It isn't because there's been less to be upset about, but rather the opposite. There is so much going on, so much more stress than ever before in my life right now, that I just don't have the energy to grasp it all. I have never been as tired as I have been in the last 3 months. There are so many days during the week that make me want to just give up, lay down and let the world walk all over me. Today is not one of those days. In fact, today is one of the best days that I've had in a very long time. I can honestly say that I haven't felt this good since I got back from Utah. Nothing terribly significant happened today. It was actually one of my more stressful days this week. I had an 8AM meeting at the Olive Garden, worked until 4:00 and then went straight to my other job and worked until 10PM. No break today. However, directly following the meeting I was told by my boss and two co-workers what a great job they thing I've been doing. They had all kinds of great compliments to say, which made me feel great! There is nothing like hearing that you're doing a great job at work. If that wasn't enough, my boss promised me a performance review in the next week or so which means a pay raise, which I've been waiting for for about 2 years now. I was walking on clouds after that, but there is more. When I went to my other job today, we were very busy. I was running my tail off most of the night and getting great tips. The part of the night that really topped off my day was toward the end when one of my customers handed me a huge tip and told me what a wonderful waitress I was and how great of a job he thinks I'm doing. He said he understands how hard it can be going to school and working at the same time and he knows how stressful it can be and he thinks that I'm handling it all so gracefully. I almost cried right there at the table. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it feels so good when someone recognizes how hard I'm working. I really needed to hear all that today. Sometimes that is really all it takes.

I Just Need Light

2008-08-22T00:41:00.000-07:00

Do you ever stop to think about how much time we spend in our lives just waiting? We're waiting for the light to turn green, for the line to move just a bit so that we can get an inch closer to getting out of this crowded store, for the next person to start their shift so we can go home, to find out where we'll be in the coming months, waiting for the news, for the bad news we know has to come next, and for the next chapter of our lives to begin. So what am I waiting for you ask? There are a million answers to that question. I wish I had a fast forward button for my life.

The Love of My Life Makes My Day Again

2008-08-21T00:06:00.000-07:00

I have many things that I could complain about today because it was a long long day of working both jobs, but I only have one thing worth mentioning because it is too important to put among work complaints. This is it:

I pre-ordered my copy of the new Jack's Mannequin CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Died?

2008-08-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were a kid and everyone always told you that you could do whatever you wanted to do when you grow up? That you could be whatever you wanted to be? So it is like 15-20 years later and you're looking around and you're thinking "I never said anything about wanting to be a waitress..." Or is that just me?

I recently decided not to pursue a career in journalism. The idea of becoming a librarian is becoming more and more appealing to me. I love books and I love libraries, so why not? I'm not sure if I'm serious about this or if it will just become a running joke. We'll see I guess. There are a million things I could do right?

I went down to the college today to enroll and get my credits transferred over. It went well. Although there was this one lady in the office that kept telling me that my credits aren't going to transfer over so I shouldn't bother talking to anyone about it, I should just sign up for the placement tests. Well everyone knows how I hate being told that I can't do something so I didn't take her advice, I went to every single department and talked to people about my credits and sure enough, every one of them transferred over perfectly so I don't have to take any placement tests. I wanted to kick that lady in the head. But I didn't. Because I'm short. Anyway, I'm one step closer to getting back to school and becoming... something. Anything. Maybe I'll just be a professional student. I don't really know what I want to do anymore. Any suggestions? Someone once suggested that I become an assassin. We'll call that Plan B.

My sister said today that I need to spice up my blog. She wants me to talk about something racy. I think she is just bored because she's pregnant and never leaves the house. She has to live vicariously through me. Well that sucks because I have no life. I'm the loser who never gets invited to do anything fun because my answer is always "I can't I have to work." That being said, I never do anything interesting. I have no love life to speak of. I have few friends, and the few I do have live far away. So what was I thinking starting a blog? Who knows?

Ok I lied a little bit. I do have a love life, or have had one, to speak of. I prefer to respect the privacy of the boys I've left in the dust though. I really shouldn't put it like that. That sounds mean. I may be dead on the inside, but when it comes to relationships and dating I try to do as little damage as possible. I can't say that I have tons of experience when it comes to this stuff, though. To be perfectly honest I've never been very good at the whole dating thing. I have some pretty intense stories, sure, but some is not a lot. Because of that, I'm very surprised at how many people come to me with their relationship problems. As if I could be any help to them. I never really know what to say. Who am I to give advice on such a subject? If you want to know how to scare a person into never speaking to you again, you come to me. If you need help putting together your resume, I'm your girl. If you need a good book to read, I can suggest many. But when it comes to relationships and being human, I'm lost. No, I don't know why your boyfriend doesn't listen to you. Why don't you just take your blow dryer and bash him over the head with it? Then he'll pay attention. Can't deal with your girlfriend's mood swings? Maybe you should try not having a girlfriend? Don't ask me. I honestly couldn't care less. I'm too selfish to care about those problems. It drives me crazy when I'm at work and everyone is just standing around whining about their boyfriends/girlfriends. I always interrupt and it goes something like this:
Me: "Who died?"
Them: "What? No one."
Me: "Then who cares??"

Kind of puts things in perspective huh?

Maybe Being Productive is Overrated

2008-08-18T23:48:00.000-07:00

My cousin, Erika, has convinced me to start a blog. I've been posting blogs on myspace for a couple of years now, but apparently that isn't good enough for her. So here is where I will inform you all of the random thoughts that flow through my head when I'm sitting in traffic or stuck at a red light, not paying attention to when it turns green and then someone honks at me because green means go! Who knew? I did, but I was too busy day dreaming or reflecting on the mortifying experience I had at work that day (I'll get to that. Today's is pretty embarrassing!). I'll try to keep this as up to date as possible, but I do get busy every once in a while and forget these sorts of things.

So I can't say that there is a lot happening in my life at the moment. I've been working a lot, but that is nothing new. I guess a lot of you don't know that I'm not going back to Utah for school this fall. I'm not too happy about that, to be honest. I really miss school and my friends and my cousins. I had a really great time there last year. Everything will be fine though. I'll be going to school here in Eugene instead. Living with my parents again is not the easiest thing for me, but I'm working on moving out.

Speaking of moving, we just moved to a new house here in Eugene. This is the 3rd time I've moved this year. Moving kind of sucks. I'm finally settled in here though. It took me forever to unpack everything (again) but I got it done. Ok, wow, that news was not as exciting as I thought it would be. Sorry about that!

Ok so on to more interesting things. Do you ever have those horrible nightmares about school or work where you do something really stupid or embarrassing and when you wake up you think "man I'm glad that was just a dream!"? Well today was one of those days where I was pinching myself to wake up, but I wasn't dreaming. I was at work and showing some customers to their table and I turned the corner and didn't see my boss standing there. I ran right into him. But I didn't just run into him. Lets just say my hand was down pretty low when we bumped into each other... There was definite touching of things. He kind of yelped and my face turned bright red! It was like one of those things you read in a magazine about other people doing and you make fun of them because it is really stupid, but you never expect it to happen to you. I just kept apologizing. I really hope he forgets about that very soon.

I decided today that my life needs background music. Every once in a while I go through these phases where I have to be listening to music at all times. Not only that, but sometimes I feel the need to make other people listen to what I want to be listening to. Just for your own personal reference, right now I'm in the mood for Jack's Mannequin. I just heard their two new songs and I'm even more obsessed than I was before, if that is possible. Someday I'm going to hire someone to follow me around with speakers and my iPod, and just play whatever songs I feel like listening to. I will subject everyone around me to my music.

I just finished reading this book called And Then We Came to the End. I actually really liked it. I give it three and a half stars out of five. It didn't start out well. The author had a very strange way of expressing his thoughts. It felt really scattered for a while but once you get past the first 200 pages you figure it out and it is actually quite good. There is quite a bit of swearing in the book and one or two sex scenes, but if you don't mind that then it is definitely worth the read. Now I'm reading Memo to the President Elect by Madeleine Albright. I'm almost done with it. She is actually a very good writer. I don't agree with everything she had to say but am finding a lot of it very informative. If any of you have read any good books lately, please let me know. I love to read and I'm always looking for new books to check out.

Lets see... I think most of you know that my sister is pregnant. She is due December 1st and is having a boy. Gavin James Beckworth will be his name. I suppose I should say "is" his name. I've already started to spoil him. I bought him a few outfits and a teddy bear. Maylee and Tim came to visit last week and I got to feel my nephew kicking. It was kind of scary! I can't wait until he gets here. Just a few more months!

Alright everyone, I'm off to bed. I don't feel quite as productive as I thought I would.